Food Battles

When Simon was first starting solid foods as a baby I was optimistic that what is happening with his diet now would not be happening now. I hesitate to call him picky as this is age appropriate behavior, but he’s picky. As it turns out, we are the family that brings their own food to a restaurant for their child to eat because the Kid’s Menu is useless. If Ian and I ever turn idiot and think opening a restaurant is a great way to spend our retirement our Kid’s Menu will contain the following:

·       Cheese Sticks

·       Toast with Butter

·       Peanut Butter and Jelly

·       Directions to the nearest Little Caesar’s for a Hot ‘n’ Ready Cheese Pizza

·       Just a Tray With a Small Shredder to Feed Your Cash Into Because Even Though These Are Your Child’s Favorite Foods They Will Not Try Them In An Away From Home Situation Even If They Insist They ONLY Want That and WILL EAT It

·       A Pot of Water and a Hot Plate So You Can Cook the Box of Annie’s Macaroni and Cheese You Brought From Home at the Table (Add A Garbage Can To Dump It Into By the End of the Meal at no extra charge!)

Things were okay until our trip from California to Michigan started. Suddenly the foods we depended on daily were not readily available (Costco sized boxes of Dino Nuggets don’t travel well). He smashed more cheese sticks into mush than he ate, despite them being the exact same brand we supplied at home.

During the Iowa leg of the drive he begged all day for macaroni and cheese. Our hotel that night was across the street from a Cracker Barrel, so we promised him macaroni and cheese that would look different but would still be delicious. We had this conversation all afternoon. Finally, it was time for Cracker Barrel to deliver us from a Hangry Child.

He wouldn’t even try it. We argued and pleaded for a half hour for him to just taste the macaroni once, but by the time he did it was cold, congealed, and he spat it out almost the instant it passed his lips. He ate biscuits with butter for dinner that night.

Once we were in Michigan the struggle subsided a bit, but he just stopped eating a lot of the things we counted on him to eat because they were slightly different. At one point he had a fever for a week and lost his appetite, which didn’t help things.

It’s been a frustrating six weeks.

All the stress of moving and traveling are definitely major contributing factors, we know. He has control over what he eats when the rest of his day to day is unfamiliar. He needs a routine and familiarity, of course.

BUT JESUS CHRIST, SWEETIE.
THESE ARE THE EXACT SAME FUCKING CHEESE STICKS YOU LIVED OFF OF AT HOME JUST EAT ONE FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Yes, a frustrating six weeks.

And now we’re in a foreign country where the food is similar, but only vaguely so. None of it smells or tastes right to him. We brought our own peanut butter and Annie’s Macaroni and Cheese, but even that is falling short. We made the mac and cheese, but Russian milk and butter tastes different, so the mac and cheese is not right.

Great.

Cross another dependable food option off the list.

I think this is exactly the sort of thing that prompted Douglas Adams’ description of tea on The Heart of Gold spaceship in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: “… a liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea.”

A few nights ago my poor jetlagged child woke up at midnight claiming to be hungry, which he hardly ever does. He said he wanted a hotdog. He hardly ever asks for “real” food instead of snacks, so I decided that just this once a midnight snack would be a good idea.

I fixed him the hot dog, cut it up like squid, and set it before him, praying that this would taste even a little bit like his favorite Hebrew National hotdog.

He took the tiniest bite and rejected it. It was frustrating to, yet again, try to provide exactly what he asked for, only to have it be wrong and go uneaten, especially in the middle of the night. I tried the hotdog and liked it, but then, I happen to like the taste and texture of liverwurst.

We finally eased our minds and guilt with a Facebook thread asking advice and were incredibly grateful for the reassurance and suggestions we received from our wonderful friends.

I breathed a sigh of exhausted, resigned relief, and was then inspired to try something I hadn’t done since Simon was a baby: Make a sneaky baked good. Something with a vegetable and protein disguised as junk food. I had stopped making the Carrot Zucchini Apple Banana Raisin Bread with Walnuts because, like so many foods to come, he just stopped eating it. I decided it was time to try it again.

I set to work with what we had stocked in our new kitchen and winged a cookie recipe.

Here it is for anyone interested:

Peanut Butter and Jelly Cookies (makes 24 large cookies)

Ingredients:

·       2 ¼ cups Flour

·       Pinch of Salt

·       ¼ tsp Baking Soda (because probably?)

·       ½ tsp Vanilla Powdery Flavoring Stuff

·       1 cup shredded Carrot

·       2 ripe Bananas

·       1 Apple

·       2 Eggs

·       2-3 Tbsp Butter

·       ½ cup Granulated Sugar

·       1 ½ cups Peanut Butter smuggled in from Costco

·       Most of a jar of Raspberry Jam

Method:

·       Google Fahrenheit to Celsius conversions

·       Preheat your adorable oven to 175 C

·       Feel alive! You’re baking your first insane creation in a foreign country! YES! THIS WILL WORK! MY CHILD WILL LOVE THESE!!

·       Measure the Flour, Salt, Vanilla Stuff, and Baking Soda (for kicks! We’re really baking a thing!) into a large bowl

·       Using the small holes of a box grater, shred the Apple and Carrot into a separate bowl

·       Enlist husband to peel and smash the Bananas into the Apples and Carrots

·       Boss him around unnecessarily. Tell him you didn’t come here to make friends

·       “Cream together” the fruit smush with the Butter and Sugar using a trusty fork until well combined

·       Crack Eggs into a small bowl and beat to ensure well beaten-ness

·       Add Eggs and Peanut Butter, mix until smooth

·       Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients, mix until combined

·       Drop large spoonfuls of dough onto a lightly oiled cookie sheet and flatten the dough into level rounds with the back of the spoon

·       Bake for 4 minutes, then turn, baking another 4 minutes

·       Remove cookies from oven and slather a generous amount of jam over top of each cookie

·       Return pan to oven and bake for two more minutes (turning after one minute if you don’t trust your oven yet because you’ve only just met and don’t know each other well) The jam is set once it starts to bubble around the edges

·       Remove pan from oven and allow cookies to cool completely before offering to a jet lagged child so he can refuse them without tasting them even though they’re a special treat you baked late at night just for him because you are a FOOL

·       Serve him the fish shaped breadstick-like-tasting crackers he seems to like instead

·       Decide to name your blog, “Midnight Crackers”

·       Die a little inside

·       Eat five cookies the next day

·       Secretly relish the fact that all these cookies are for you and taste very good with tea