SHINY IKEA SPREE

September 20, 2018

SHINY IKEA SPREE

When we arrived in our beautiful little apartment I was happy to see that the pictures we’d seen on the rental website were accurate representations of reality.

Some of our friends may remember that Ian and I had been burned before with pictures of a “clean, functional living space”, and so I don’t think anyone can blame us for crossing our fingers and toes, lighting a candle, making an offering to a saint, and praying to any and all Gods and Goddesses necessary to ensure that, yes, this furnished apartment is a livable space where you will not have to pry melted suckers off the hardwood, clean up dried vomit off the bed frame and floor, or retrieve a discarded thong from under the claw foot tub upon arrival.

I’m happy to report that absolutely all is well in our Moscow apartment. The kitchen has a tiny little dishwasher that I am incredibly grateful for, but also feel silly using. Like, the amount of dishes that fit in it versus the time it takes the cycle to run seems a bit out of balance. I could wash them by hand in less time, but however small the dishwasher is, the sink is even smaller, so it all works out somehow I suppose.

The apartment is furnished, but was not stocked with any other living essentials. No pillows or bedding, no kitchenware, no towels. The beds had mattress pads on them at least. Ian and I slept on ours without anything, but Simon was lucky enough to have his very own special travel pillow, shark quilt, and a heap of softie friends with him, so he was very comfy in his little castle bed.

The next day we took a taxi to IKEA. Simon was very excited to pick out his new bedding. We got two sets, one with robots and one with robots and creatures. When packing up in California Simon was sad he couldn’t bring his train set, but we promised we could get more of the same ones, and so we did. He’s very amused that the train cars here are shaped differently, “Like the monorail next to our new house!”

OH YEAH. We live next to the monorail!

Monorail!

“How often does the train go by?”

“So often you won’t even notice it.”

After robot bedding and train tracks selections, it was time for Ian and me to select kitchenware, and my god, it was satisfying. The shiny new silverware! The shiny new pots! The sharp, shiny knives! All the stuff I always love to pine for when we go to IKEA in the States but have no need for because our kitchen arsenal is already too well supplied, it was all possible! A banquet of cutting boards in new colors! An actual need for a loose tea steeper! Bright new towels! Lovely new bedding with fancy prints! FLUFFY. BLANKETS. !.

It was fun to pull two carts through the IKEA marketplace and just keep filling them. It was fun saying, “YES” to the “Do we need…?” question, and we all made it out alive! Which is impressive, because that IKEA was CROWDED AF for a weekday. If we had waited until Saturday it would have been a suicide mission. According to Wikipedia, Moscow has 13.2 million residents within the city limits and 17.1 million within the urban area, so… yeah. Never go to IKEA in Moscow on the weekend. They won’t find your decaying body trapped inside a Hemnes wardrobe you were inadvertently jammed into during a stampede for meatballs for days.

Another super cool thing was (and perhaps I’m just a rube and many other IKEA stores in major cities probably do this, but I’d never been to one) there was a taxi service in store! We went to a desk, they called one of their drivers, and we were loaded up and heading back home in no time.

We did not, however, arrive home in no time. No. There was insane traffic (Hi, 17.1 million residents!). The drive to IKEA took maybe twenty minutes. The drive home took… long enough for Simon to have a nice long nap. Bless that driver.

Taxi drivers here are impressive. Our driver from the airport and the one from IKEA both did this totally ridiculous thing, and I gather it must be a common tactic because in a place where people regularly lay on the horn, no one honked.

1. Find yourself in the left turn lane, five cars from the front

2. Signal that you’re merging to the right, and cross two lanes of dense traffic to the right turn lane

3. SURPRISE, FUCKOS I’M CUTTING BACK OVER TO THE LEFT LANE WITHOUT SIGNALING AND TURNING LEFT BEFORE Y’ALL

It was impressive. Dangerous, probably, but impressive. Honestly, I couldn’t be mad. These guys are stuck in this sort of traffic all the time. I’d invent new rules too. It’s a matter of survival.

And now, as promised: Pictures of our apartment!